• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
• If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
• My brain: It's my second favorite organ.
• Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very little on office supplies.
• Marriage is the death of hope.”
• Life is full of loneliness, suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.
• On Los Angeles: I don’t want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.
• I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
• I'm not afraid of dying . . . I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
• For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.
• Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people--and kill them.
• Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends
• To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition
• I took a speed reading course and read "War and Peace" in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.
• I don't believe in an afterlife, although I'm bringing along a change of underwear..